To Gift or Not to Gift

I'd like to share a dilemma one of our clients recently had:

"I got married 3 years ago and one of my friends and her boyfriend who were invited to our wedding didn't give us a gift or card. That's fine, I understand that "gifts aren't required" and just sent them a thank you card for attending.

Now, 3 years later, the same couple is getting married and we're invited. Should we give them a gift? Usually I wouldn't question giving a wedding gift as I always do at a wedding, but for some reason, I feel like I shouldn't feel obligated to since we didn't even get a card from them for our wedding. What would you do?"

I have seen this kind of thing impact friendships over the course of time. It is kinda nuts the way the importance the keeping up of appearances is measured.

At it's core, we are friends with people because we do get something back from our relationship with them. We are rewarded with something. It could be that the person is funny or seems to be positive, they could be a person who's always 'there' in a pinch, something we admire. We internally assign the level of that connection, it can vary with time and even be broken, especially when it comes to unmet expectations. A friend who 'fails' at these times is failing to meet OUR OWN internal hierarchy, not theirs. It's a real shame too when material things take the place of other qualities that over the course of time greatly outweigh a card or gift.

Truly those are easy gestures for some who can safely make a grand statement but when a true test of character comes up, they bail because it would put their appearance on the line. If you measure a friendship from a singular act so minor as a card or gift, you SHOULD reevaluate the friendship. Ask yourself this, WHY is that person a friend? Why? Base your decision on that not what the expectation they failed to meet. Were they their in a time of crisis? Did they help you? Did they give when it MATTERED and not expected? Even if it's that they've just always been nice and you've enjoyed their company, THAT gift stays with you, THAT uplifts your life..their presence made your life better.

Now extend that to YOUR wedding, YOUR party that you set up...granted with consideration for others but YOUR day right? To make a cheesy comparison, a person who gave you salad forks and a card you'll acknowledge but a person you invited because they made your life better and failed to give that drops?

Disappointment is understandable, even somewhat unavoidable when an expectation YOU set isn't met but to assign intent and emotions to another person because of it is wrong. It is NOT a measure of how much THEY care, its a measure of YOU and HOW you care.

I'd bet a ton of salad forks get outdone by ONE moment of friendship over time.